Tonight Carter said this for his bedtime prayer:
"bless grandma poppa grani gws angiemike meggiejoshauntiejulieauntiesarahbobandlarrypieceatoast"

That's right, he prayed for a piece of toast. Now you might be thinking, maybe there's an image of Jesus or Noah on it (really, how come none of those Christian images on food are ever Old Testament people...ever think about that). Or maybe we starve our kid. But no he's just concerned for the well being and eternal life of toast.

And why not, everybody (thing) needs someone looking out for them.

My obsessive mindset has actually produced a few productive days at work. Not sure how, but it's a step in the right direction. Lots of motivation, just very little desire to move on it.

Carter is getting ready for Anderson by acting out. Lots of biting. Very interesting to observe that he knows something is coming.

Sometimes your worst fears are given voice to. This happens at times, and then you realize that there is absolutely nothing to change that feeling. I guess this is part of being an adult, is accepting that reality and finding a way to live within it. Just like AA, "accept the things I cannot change."

See all that work at the native american drug/alochol treatment center paid off...

So when that balance of obsessions slip and stress builds up you need to make choices. Set priorities. But making decisions is hard when you want to be everything to everybody. Obsession in leisure is fun, obsession in work can be rewarding, obsession in life can be fulfilling. But as much as I may want it, I can't have all 3. Dealing with the obsessive mind once it realizes that it can't balance all 3, that is the danger.

It's a spiral. Want more, realize there is no time for more, get anger at time, get even less done, and then want more again. That is what the state of my mind has been over the last few days. Falling down that dangerous spiral of an obsessive mind.

Hope your weekend been more fun than my self abusive, and family intrusive one.

I just found out that I am now in charge of the instruction program at work. It's my program to make it what I want. I've been the lead for the last year, but now I've got the vote of confidence to run with the program. I do a lot of teaching, but the structure, goals and mission are no where. I feel like it's a real blank slate. With this I feel like I've found a new obsession. I've got a lot to and people with more experience underneath me.

Speaking of obsessions, I'd be curious to know what ones' you would list for me:

What obsessions of my have you observed over the years...

It's been a couple of days off work is busy plus I've been wallowing in my own pity party for a day or so. I've realized a few years ago, okay realized it long before I actually admitted it, that I have an obsessive personality. This should come as no shock to any of you. But the difficultly with an obsessive personality is maintaing it. Hell, stablity is out the window. Balance is hard for those with a one track mind. Consistancy is the challenge. When you throw everything you can into one thing the trick is maintaining that intensity.

This personality worked great for campaign work. 14 hour days - no problem. It was all intensity and consuming. That type of pace and work flow doesn't translate the best for library work. Finding motivation to force yourself to dive into something is the challenge. Artifical motivation only lasts so long.

Parenting is great for this distructive personality type. It's easy to throw everything you have at your kids. The tough part is admitting that you need to throw something at the rest of your life, spouse, work, health. That's probably something all new parents work on. And now as we get ready to be parents again, remembering this balancing act weighs on my mind. All the scales get shifted again.

Well, now you see the pity party I was starting to throw. Feeling like I should throw more to my job, but not finding the desire to. Looking forward to throwing everything at my family, but trying to cope with the balance issues.

Don't get me wrong, I love my obsessive personality. Really how else could I have the desire to sit on the floor playing video games, eating junk food, not sleeping until the game was beat. Obsession may not be healthy, but it's sure damn fun.

Happy Father's Day to my dad! The lessons I've learned from you, the fun we had, and the quiet moments we share shaped me into who I am today. And I am thankful for that. I've learned a lot from you and your dad and I hope to always keep those lessons in mind with my own sons. Thank you and I love you Dad. 

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there. My life as a father has been pretty remarkable. I love my sons and I cannot wait to see Anderson. My time with Carter is a true joy. He's turning into a kid and not just a little guy. But the times like picture here are the quiet moments that top everything. There's nothing quite like snuggling up and sleeping with your son who looks up to you and love's you. Happy Father's Day. 

I do not think Carter could have asked for a better morning, we went to all of his favorite places.
- Wal-Mart - bought Anderson a crib mattress. Carter got a Batman coin from the greeter. He carried it all around and never tried to eat it.
This opening weekend of Batman reminds me of my Batman craze for the first Burton movie. I had the soundtrack (which turned me on to Prince - okay so "turn on" is not the word to use when talking about Prince), buttons and the T-shirt. I actually wore the T-shirt and the buttons when I went to see it for the first time. Now I wish I had a picture of that.
- Downtown library (that's what Carter calls the public library). They were having their summer reading festival and Carter made a crown and got his face painted. Plus he just got to play at the library always a treat.
The library was always a treat for us over the summer. Books for a week. See my mom was raising a librarian from the beginning. She just forgot to tell me so I could spend thousands of dollars on other degrees.

That's all for now.

Being back up in Duluth made me think of a small story...

It was the first day of classes (no need talking about the actual classes the people), and after class I was going to go rollerblading. I got rollerblades from my high school girl friend and spent the summer practicing (on flat ground). So it was a wonderful afternoon in Sept (not too often in Duluth) and I went out for exercise. No sooner was I out the door than I realized how unskilled I was. Not only were the hills a challenge, but I looked like a kid compared to everyone else. All this talk about living your own life and being yourself in college... still has to deal with self image and peer groups.

No freshman wants to look like a punk in front of someone they might want to hang out with or date.

So I went all of 30 yards on my rollerblades. Walked back to my dorm and then went for a run. I ended up running miles and past where I would eventually live during one summer. A good run all in all. Except right after running I went with some friends to get our ID pictures taken. Red faced, sweaty, ragged hair and all, I took my ID picture. A picture that would stick with me all 4 years...

So much for trying to keep a good self image. Everyone has moments when they think too hard about how they look to others. I've had plenty in my life... I'm sure there are more to come.

Ah, Griggs Q315. That is where my college years started. I remember moving in - but really who doesn't. Although, I do remember seeing this cute girl out on the softball field during the crazy Bulldog bash. That girl turned out to be someone named Amy Deloach. That first weekend there are many stories, many stories... but that's another post. Here is the place where it all started (thanks Lucien for the pic) 

It's been a while since I've posted a Carter picture. He makes life pretty amazing. Plus, he's a snappy dresser.  

It's been almost 10 years since Kyle and I drove up to Duluth to check out the college. We were visiting a friend/ex-girlfriend in the Cities and decided to drive up and check out the city on our way home. Who knew that would be the first trip down a strip of road I would know like the back of my hand.

As soon as we drove over the crest of the hill on I35, I knew that place was special. What a view. Most of you know what I'm talking about. Water, hills, and great atmosphere, much of which I was looking for in a college. I visited LaCrosse and loved the hills but it didn't seem like anything special. That's probably because I knew too many people going there. I visited Grove City, PA and loved the hills. It was a beautiful private college with great connections in D.C. (although the whole private college no girls in your room with the door closed or after 8:00 really sucked).
But Duluth was beautiful. And that doesn't even begin to touch on the emotions and memories triggered by the city.

10 years the city still evokes those strong first impressions. Sometimes things just come together. Kyle and I never even got out of the car. We drove around the block of campus and under the Kirby walkway and then drove downtown. Without, UMD I would not be who I am (on so many fronts) and most of you would not be here reading my ramblings. That first drive with the emotions of running away and finding someplace new for college changed the course of my life. Duluth has done that many times to me through the years.

More on Duluth tomorrow.

Amy I love you and am so thankful for our friendship and love that continues to grow after these 7.5 years (at least by my count). Thank you and I love you.

Just a quick note to say thank you to all of you (well most of you after yesterday's post) for the help, support and friendship that we shared 4 years ago at the wedding.